The world through a keyhole

Book Wars: The Attack of The Clones

2010-06-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

I was at tatanagar recently for my intern when i dragged my ass to the local bookstore to catch up on my reading list (yes, few straight men still have reading lists), lack of TV AND Internet do kick up some desperate moves but when i got to the store i was amazed to see the display stacked with books from Indian authors!. The occasional amartya sen or arvind adiga is fine but the books in question were all from debutantes.

"Naya writerlog hai babu. Sab aajkal yahi pad rahe hain", offerred the shop clerk.

I stood a minute and tried to recollect if i had seen any of the cover on any traffic signal back in Bombay or at least at landmark/crosswords but couldn't place any author. Further investigation revealed that the books were of the "if-chetan-bhagat-can-write-books-so-can-i" genre. All the books were published by a company called shrishti publications which i gather used to print bhajan patrikaas before it saw a market in 'youth' books.
All the books sell at 100 bucks and so i guess even the traffic-pirates don't see a margin with these. All the books have 3 things in common-

1) All of them are published by a company which doesn't have a website and has a profit sheet comparable to street-hawkers.
2) Corny titles like, "Anything for you, ma'am- a IIT-ians love story" (soo interested i was to pay and read this brainy IIT-ians love story with his prof that i almost peed my pants)
3) All of them are "National Bestsellers". Why i heard "A Guy Thing... A 'Magical' Love Story Of An IITian" and "Love, Life And Dream On An IITian's Story Of Romance" are already among the country's nomination list to the man-bookers having sold a grand 5000 copies each.
Though i may not be as half as brilliant as the IITians who wrote the books but 5000 books in 28 states excluding union territories makes roughly 180 books per state! OMG! How the authors manage to walk the streets without getting mobbed by their fans, will forever remain a enigma.

Their towering intellects shine through their masterpieces with spelling mistakes and use to words like "kantaap maal" to describe their professors. While profanity may be excused, whats with the emphasis on being a IIT-ians love story? Do they love differently than us mortals or is everyone dying to read about how IITians are horny perverts jerking off their 50-something professors in between lunch breaks?

And as like the gift of illiteracy, unemployment and retardness, only one person is to be thanked. Chetan Bhagat. Thank you sir for enriching our culture with your own gems of literature and the several other pieces of art(crap) which your fellow college mates seem to be churning, your dirt-cheap books have reduced hawking on traffic signals and many children have to forcibly go to school because no one reads good literature anymore and hence they are jobless.

Your highly qualified peers have also figured out the magic mantra of being "the most loved author"-
1) You should be from a IIT/DCE/BIT.
2) You should have studied in a English medium school.
3) Use words like "fuck" or "s-e-x" to make the books 'youthful'

A special thanks to shrishti publications for giving our talentless writers work and pay, wouldn't be the same without you.

"I'll take the paulo coelho bhaiya. What? 250 bucks?...thik hai..toh 'love at IIT' hi de do". Shucks!

2009-04-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

Well ...lemme just post this to further my own insights than your.
See,i have lived in almost every part of india and am south indian by origin, but i can't muster up enough logic to figure out how sportspeople in india attain this heroic status in india and how all these matches affect me in any way posible.
Dont write me off as a impassionate boy, but i have grown up charading to be the gung-ho cricket fan cos that was what the crowd expected of me.
It was only after i got enough guts to tell my friends that i DISLIKE cricket that i was accepted to be who i was....its like transexuals in bangalore.....
Please explain me why these people think like this?....do they orgasm with self-respect when they watch dravid leading a team because they lack what is infront of their eyes??

THE FIRST KISS :a real big thing huh?

2008-07-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

The big question buging the 17 year old is when IT will happen..and i am not talking about engineering."It" can be different things and this time its the first time, i.e. the first kiss.

There is a separating system for the amount of "cool" the person has or the amount of "experience" the person has. I am not talking by personal experience though because i lack these 2 basic traits that people are judged on so as to be accepted by the crowd. But from what i see the process of judging seems to be like-

first kiss at age-

0 to 8 - happens to all and so average...this age is not accounted into

8 to 14 - kinda gutsy but plain innocent

14 to 18- prime time this is definately among the cool guys of the flock........forward thinker......very very cool

18 to 21 - late beginner but yeah....will do well among the flock...these guys are average guys..the usual college guy

21 to 30 - lame....yeah the crowd speaks in few words ....LAME is a perfect example

30 to 50 - Now this may sound very strange...atleast he might have kissed his wife?...no?.....these guys are what the crowd considers GAY...

50 till DEATH - now here is something u wont see anywhere...they just dont exist...cos even if there are...either they have mastered the art of hiding this heinious act....or would have died before they ever had a chance to......verdict- LIFE WASTED

hey this may be very basic in its own way , but fear not this is as accurate as can relate to a 17 year old guy....

Now to qualiy in the cream of this table...u have to follow just 3 steps...-
#1 - find a girl.

#2 - kiss her.

#3 - tell the world about it.

simple .....this is as easy as cakewalk....so go get yourself kissed.

DISCLAIMER- The author is a non-cool guy who has not kissed a human before so his views is entirely false and and walking on cake is a hard thing to do....so cakewalk is not really helpful. Any accidents due to following of the authors advice is his/her own liability.And once this advice is helpful, then feedback on how the hell he did it should be told to the author so as he too can be cool.

THE FANBOY BATTLE - PS3 vs X BOX 360

2008-07-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Now this may sound mundane to many, but the biggest battle raging in the cyber word is not necessarily food shortages or iraq, the biggest split among the cyber sleuths is which gaming console is better....the PLAYSTATION 3 or the X-BOX 360. Now i am also a small time gamer myself so i understand what this is all about, see the first thing any noOb will tell u is that the real gamers are very loyal to their consoles.

Now while i saw blogs going viral because of strong words the gamers share about their consoles , i also see communities being made exclusively to torment the rival game console "fanboys".This may be a actual good thing because this will keep the tech-blogs moderated but is it really necessary?.I can see that the consoles that are in question are both good - the X-BOX bacause it has already a lot of games in its arsenal and some of which have a huge fanfollowing, but the X-BOX is not really a next generation console and it may have the games but if u go into total technicality we see that the play station is a very advanced console and as some say are too advanced for these times.The difficulty with the PS3 that its technical advancements have not been understood by game developers and so the games do not use its full potential.Though the X-BOX may have games which are fairly good now....that would'nt mean that it will stay.I can safely predict that when the game developers come to use the full peak performance of the play station, we would not only get better games but it would be the ultimate death-kneel to the x-box.

So the X-BOX may have a good share of the market now, but its just living on borrowed time.Come generation PS3 games and it will soon join the ps2 on the discount bin. So fanboys would definately be slaughtered if they side the x-boys, because its not the ps3 fanboys who will rival them but it will be the gamers who will ultimately give the final blow.

X-BOX-
pros- good games, a huge number of titles which are currently feed the X-BOX market, better than the PS2, cheaper than the PS3

cons- lack of enough hardware, its specifications get dwarfed beside the ps3.

PLAY STATION 3-

pros- got more than enough hardware to keep it going, is fairly advanced, has limited by quality titles, six-axis contoller makes it a competitor for the wii-market, is touted the next generation of game consoles.

cons- is steeply priced as compared to the x-box, has lesser number of game titles, has too advanced a hardware for game developers to fully understand its potential.

AGENT NEWBKILL- how gamers face their first heartbreak......my first gaming tournament

2008-05-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

well it maybe started when i was in class 4.....ma dad got me a nintendo little master......my first game console........well at that time u have to admit all of us were newbies.......like realtively alien to the world of gaming........come year 2008 around eight years after i first saw a game.....i am a newb......in the early stages of even being a newb....i always thought i was a OK gamer but now.....well just to put it this way....i feel like the first time i shoved that game cartridge in my console.....absolutely ignorant....

well as a FPS is among the easier game to get used to fast...i enrolled for COD....CALL OF DUTY....it was the first time i ever heard of the tournament and i thought...what the heck....lets give it a try....so in my round in the practice trials i was fairly good....matched the pro scores...but when we got LIVE...thats when it matters ...all hell broke loose....people started gunning me from obscene distances....one that make u squint to actually appretiate if something is amiss....so i am still getting kills ....but time is running out i try to kill as many people at the last minute....

i race out into the open(not a very bright move) and spot a guy in front of me....i shoot twice.....hit....hit....a third time would have me another kill.....but what...bullets out...reload.....i scramble....7 second to game...i try to switch guns press all the buttons i can...i just manage stay at one point...i try to run.....4 seconds........reload complete....i aim....hit ....i am to the ground some newbkill has gunned me down.....

i press TAB.....scores....the first four win.........

first ................cragbot...........22 kills.....
second........... ss;gunther........18 kills....
third .............sainmeQ............17 kills.....

the last spot............................................NEWBKILL!!!!!.......16 kills

and me..........................15!!!!........i could've won.......soooo close to glory.......one reload.....newbkill........noooooooooo.................

the thing with these tournaments is that u get soo intimidated and that too soo early...all the PROs have their own equipment list......their own gaming mouse ,their own mouse pad...gaming headphones.....it always gets me intimidated...all the equipment i have got is a menu from ONLY PARATHAS -a lucky charm if we must mention....and now is the fact that i have to avenge my DEATH....hahaahahahahahah........

its gonna take one year.........see ya in the next gaming tournament.....till then i gotta play... play ...play....

THE BIG O...-How taboo things have become

2008-05-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

Well lets go through things....one more time......

i am a 17 (cant stress enough) year old christian student....living in India.....and thats the fun part.Living in the hypocritical nation that India has become its all the more frustrating to see -hare Krishna cults to spring up all over the world.

Now the foreign people think of India as a mystic country where people enjoy tantrik sex and certain Holy sages have never ending orgasms at the bank of the Ganges.........sooo untrue

Now being the argumentative Indian people portray us to be (a accurate one at that) i would think of India where utterance of the word sex is followed by men giggling in local trains and women waving their bag as i in someway offended their sensibilities....

Now i have a free mind.....a radical one as them oldies call it...these people think that being indian is all about wearing something to cover most part of skin and enough armour to go to vietnam.

The place where the concept of a HAREM was invented and the place where THE KAMASUTRA was written is soo indifferent to the topic that they fear thier children would fall pray to western sensibilities.

Well now thats the upper cream of the issue........under this whole shroud of being coy to the world, lies another world the one of a teenager , a indian one.....now.... HELLO...INTERNET

Well i must point first that Indian kids are to mature faster than their western counterparts......thats genetic......what is not is that the parents feel that the child is Too Young to "understand"......crap!!

so enter sleaze and newspaper sexperts.....i am involved in this phenomenon because i too was fascinated by this......and in this equation comes in PEER PRESSURE...anyone who has done it is cool....those who havent is just plain too country to avoid it.....moral policing makes this tough to do.......enough reason to want to do it ......

That explains 15,000 abortions in delhi....teenage ones.......touching each other is cool...only because the parents say dont do it.....

ook bye....me gotta try to get laid now.....

My math teacher- Mrs evil subramanium

2008-05-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

ok so here is my "dukhi-yaari kahani"....jus the happy ending is still pending......hey sad stories DO have happy endings?no?...

k so it all starts with my parents especially my mum being tooo comparitive.......and this boy who always want to be ahead of me.....

enter.-evil math teacher.....

see i am kinda good in math and i am proud of it...got 90 in 10th.....

and then this new teacher comes in,and she teaches both sections.....and there is also an Abhay in the other class...

it begins the first day when i am casually sitting in the corner doing some JEE sums...and then abuses come out of thin air i look up to see the new teacher looking at me she asks for a name and i say" Abhay "and her first words-"all abhays are same nonsense students always wanting to be attention seekers....

"four months in-she calls me to the blackboard fer some problem solving....i do the sum and she hits her head with her hand and says -"useless"the students shout its right....she stands looks nods and says-"go back...and dont disturb the whole class....."evil bitch......i am better than her.....i am...."

2 month before the exam-......preboard paper distribution.....enter-. evil math bitch...................."abhay come to my office....

""you are a nuisance to the class and you have got.....verryyyy-verrry low marks

emphasizing by crouching and placing her hands a inch above the floor

me (frustrated)"....maaaaam u havent given me any marks for the first five questions....!!!"

she returns after two weeks.....me trying to impress some girls by sweet talkin them....evil math teacher shouts at me from distance.....gave me marks but points to me then points to some dirt.....
this is gonna get ugly.........

present day-...me crying in my bed......my marks that pulled my whole total down and is sure to haunt me for the rest of my now proven to be failing life.....

i see the page hangin infront of me....abhay antony

bio 80 eng 80 phy 75 chem 76and math.......51!!!.......i cry some more...this time no one there to see me do it....

my life is to be dooming....my parents now are asking me if i were weak in math always or is it too hard for me.....the questions taunt me no more than my marks.....doomed...

i see my friends result.....92%.....89%.....mine.....pathetic....

i want to do engineering and i noe i am quite good at problem solving have been in the merit batch of my IIT coachiing.....all goin in dust

the aura i had created throough painstaking labour dissapearing....phone calls saying they r sorry that i could'nt score well....

picture coming to close......two days after the writting to a girl who has a name -"nirmolak"....cool.....
crying .....still nobody wanting to see

The world of the heartbroken teenager...(academic heartbreak)

2008-05-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

well as if written i am seventeen and face all mortal dangers that all student (17)......face in this part of the world........board exams......

see i am a free boy, free as anything that is born in the land and have the right to....be free always..even if in my mind....

This right i am sorry to say is denied to me after the results....every single year in a country like mine where the education system is inclined to rote learning......the higher the marks the more successful the boy is slated to be.........

when people call me asking for my marks i feel humiliated to jus mention my marks......

this humiliation has jailed me in my mind......more than physical captivity this hurts me even more........yeaterday a friend of mine asked for my marks...i had a good impression on him and the good impression thing made me lie to him....

this boy lives in my aprtment building and the other friends know my real marks....

this fear will never let me face him again.....i am torn....

i cannot go out now, bacause i cannot face him....

i am a captive

me, america , and the muslim

2008-05-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

well let me tell u something about myself.....i am a indian , a christian, and 17 years old....

we all have been reading about terrorism and its funny when i see it, i should be horrified....but no , its funny....we all hate terrorism, just as we hate cancer...its a disease, a very steriotyped one at that...we see a terrorist as a man with a huge beard bombs sticking out of his headwear shouting jihad-jihad and wearin a i-love-osama tee,...thats wierd i say to myself...why do we picture them as a average joe muslim....sans the bombs and the mssg-tee of course.Now i think anyone who terrorises people, innocent one at that, would be a terrorist.Well then i see america,invading countries and then i think to myself.....did the people of iraq did anything wrong did they in someway do wrong to the US...now this is kinda a old story at that, the taliban was in power and bush wanted to stop it....was US a robin hood....not really.Its like being forcibly do something u like.......its not fun...believe me i am 17...i know how it feels like.But then i see america killing people torturing them and i think arent 'they' innocent.Doesnt that make america the terrorists.Now the picture changes.

Suppose i am a iraqi,now the average terrorist i one who wears a suit ,roams around in a mercedes,and ....um....well runs america.

now lets come to india.....this is for a neutral standing on the issue as i think..

There is me sipping my coke surfing through the internet i see videos of 9/11. Then i see prisons in iraq, people being tortured.

jihad means holy war.

now thats religious.....i mean i have heard many people say the crusades were jihad for the muslims......now the terrorist has a religion. muslim. A faceless man, delusional at some point, brain washed.

i know muslims who are everything but that.....

lets go idealistic.......both are wrong i dont see the terrorist as anything but a pawn, driven by emotions ..........

now i don get it .....no really......i am confused(i am 17).....and now U tell me.....
hey this is serious u tell me....and make me think....

thats one terrorist down....